Surviving the Zombie War, Part 6

Now that the apocalypse has happened, it's only a matter of time until there are zombies. So it's best you prepare yourself. Don't want to end up like the twinkie, do you? Everyone thought they'd last forever too. Share these teachings on the internet (until the grid crashes), memorize them and spread the word verbally to as many people as will listen. Hopefully the illustrations will help to break the language barrier, but if not you may have to translate it wherever necessary. This will save lives, so it’s your duty to get the information to everyone you can.

What is the Zombie War? Actually, this term is a misnomer. The zombie outbreak will destroy any government or military infrastructure within a matter of days or weeks. After that the human race will be its own army and anyone left alive will be a soldier.

And the only way to win this war will be to stay alive.

PART SIX:

Weapons

As far as seeking supplies, some might recommend looting a gun store. That’s a bad idea for obvious reasons. Personally, I would go to a place where there’s nobody with guns, even if I’m one of them. Food and water are the higher priority; you can go looking for weapons (if you don’t already have them) once you’re entrenched somewhere with a food supply.

In the Dawn of the Dead remake the guy who holes up in the gun store eventually gets it. He lasts a long time, but eventually he runs out of food. The guys in the mall hold out longer because they have access to food and water.

You can reasonably carry several pistols on your person or in a duffel. Keep a primary and backup handgun on your person at all times.

·        The primary should be a semi-automatic (8 shots or more) with  hammer action and laser sight.

·        Hammer action gives you the option to cock the gun for quicker firing in a pinch and laser sights help you line up head shots faster.

·        Keep a couple of extra magazines on your person and a couple more in your bag if you have one.

·        On laser sights, don’t count on 100% accuracy. Test it out and practice keeping a steady hand. Laser sights don’t guarantee a hit, they just make it easier to line up the shot.

·        I’d keep this strapped to your side like a six-gun. It won’t be in your way as much and it won’t hurt to show anyone you run into that you’re heeled.

·        Your backup should be a compact revolver, preferably a smaller .38 designed for concealability.

·        This is a good weapon for an ankle holster. It can also fit easily into a pocket.

·        Shake down any slide action weapon to work out the kinks; new guns should be fired a couple hundred times to break them in so they don’t jam. Keep it cleaned and oiled.

Keep your safety on.

Gun safety may seem like a frivolous concern, but consider how many casualties are sustained in war-time due to friendly fire. Keep one in the chamber with the safety on. I would also avoid “Safe Action” trigger safety pistols, because they require more pull-back when firing. You want safety until things get dusty, then you need a hair trigger.

Don’t be too stingy with your ammo.

You need to be proficient with every gun you own, and to stay in good form they have to be fired every now and then.

·        Ammo becomes less reliable over time, too, so there’s no use holding onto the same stock too long.

·        If you stumble upon a massive cache of ammo, resist the urge to overstock. I’d use that as an opportunity to get in some much needed target practice and hide the rest. You might be out that way again.

·        Keep your shells if you can. They might be reusable, but I suspect ammunition and empty shells will become a form of currency in the zombie war.

·        People with the means will re-load them and recycle them, so the empty shells will have value.

Don’t weigh yourself down with weapons or supplies.

Running away is still the best defense. You don’t want to get tangled up or trip over your gear when you’re getting mobbed by zombies.

Carry a rifle or a shotgun, but probably not both. It’s best to carry this with you, but when you need yours hands free you can keep it in your bag (if you have one) or get a shoulder-strap.

Bags and straps are tricky in terms of encumbrance. A strap can get caught on something and nearly get you killed (like in Indiana Jones and the Lost Crusade) or it can conveniently catch on something and save your life (like in Jurassic Park 3). I’ve been in situations where a bag was an asset and others where it was a liability. Try it out and get to know what you’re comfortable with. This is an ongoing issue to consider and what works for you now might not work for you later on.

A weapon is also a tool.

And vice versa. The most useful items are those that have a practical purpose both on the battlefield and off it, like a shovel or an aluminum bat.

Most of the greatest weapons you already have in your house. Just grab a hammer! You could ruin someone’s whole world with a hammer. And in some scenarios the human beings who created the monsters might still be around, trying to eliminate the witnesses. A hammer would do a lot of damage to those guys.

Knocking down doors might be just as important as knocking in heads, so anything with a little heft is good to have around. But don’t knock down a door if you’re looking to hole up. Any door you can knock down shouldn’t pose much of a challenge to a zombie horde. But at least with a bat you can clock them in the face as they get through.

ON AUTOMATICS VS. REVOLVERS:

While semi-automatics fire more shots, they’re also more likely to jam and can take longer to reload. If this is your weapon of choice, make sure you have as many spare magazines as possible. It’s much quicker to change the clip of a semi-automatic than it is to reload a revolver, but loading the clip itself is a tedious process.

Revolvers are more reliable and load faster, especially if you have a speedloader. One disadvantage with the revolver is that they can’t hold as many shots and they don’t automatically eject spent cartridges. Clearing the cylinder is an added step that costs you precious time when reloading.  

The mechanics of the revolver are simpler and they’re more reliable. They’re also quicker to fire: Just pull back the hammer and you’re a hair-trigger away from splatsville.

I prefer the auto because you can keep a couple of extra magazines at the ready, which gives you more rounds to work with in a pinch.

The most important thing is to have something that works right and shoots straight, because like my dad says: “If you’re fighting something that takes more than 6 bullets to kill, you’re dead anyway.”

Surviving the Zombie War, Part 5

Now that the apocalypse has happened, it's only a matter of time until there are zombies. So it's best you prepare yourself. Don't want to end up like the twinkie, do you? Everyone thought they'd last forever too. Share these teachings on the internet (until the grid crashes), memorize them and spread the word verbally to as many people as will listen. Hopefully the illustrations will help to break the language barrier, but if not you may have to translate it wherever necessary. This will save lives, so it’s your duty to get the information to everyone you can.

What is the Zombie War? Actually, this term is a misnomer. The zombie outbreak will destroy any government or military infrastructure within a matter of days or weeks. After that the human race will be its own army and anyone left alive will be a soldier.

And the only way to win this war will be to stay alive.

PART FIVE:

Supplies

There are two elements regarding supplies that come into play as the Zombie War begins. First, there is the matter of what you can take with you. Second, there is the matter of where to acquire it.

Since the apocalypse will happen without warning, most of what you will take with you will come from what you already have on hand. That makes it a good idea to be as prepared as possible. Where this is not feasible, it’s a good idea to know where to go for any supplies you may not have with you already.

Take Your Jacket.

If you’re not sure where you’re going, take your coat. This is a pretty good adventuring rule. But don’t go overboard. If it’s 100 degrees out and you’re wearing your coat, you’re not prepared. You’re just a weirdo.

In most climates, there’s going to be good weather and bad weather. But the point is, when you leave the house, pretend you’re leaving it for the last time.

Take a backpack.

If you get a call in the middle of the night, and you don’t know where you’re headed and you’re going on a trip that goes through a bunch of country back roads and you’re not sure if you might end up in cold weather or something, take a bunch of useful stuff with you. The jacket being the most useful of all stuff, because it’s a pretty practical item.

Have an “Oh crap” bag already packed. If someone tells you you have to leave tonight, no questions, have a bag packed that you can just grab:

“Got it! It’s got a cross, silver bullets, Rambo knife…”

That’s where the jacket rule comes in, because you may or may not be able to have a bag with you. You can fit all kinds of stuff in the pockets of a jacket. Having your jacket with you on the night the Shit goes down could mean the difference between living and dying.

Keep your trunk stocked.

You may or may not be in your car when it happens, but if you are you could potentially have any number of useful items available.

·        Water and freeze-dried food (military MRE’s are best).

·        Toilet paper (survival’s not your only concern).

·        SCUBA gear.

·        Mountain climbing gear (ropes and chains are always good for something).

·        A fully packed suitcase.

·        A high-powered Mag Lite.

·        A hurricane radio.

·        A First Aid kit.

·        A tent.

·        A towel (you should always have a towel).

·        An inflatable raft.

Because let’s face it: If you’re ever in a situation where someone says “if only we had an inflatable raft!” and you can produce one, you will officially become the coolest person ever.

Don’t let people see the inside of your trunk if you follow this advice, because they’ll think you’re a serial killer or something.

Carry useful items with you at all times.

If you can’t get away in the car with a trunkful of goodies, then try to keep as many normal useful things in your pocket as you can.

Immediate mobilization is the key to your survival when the unexpected happens, so keep odd bits in your pockets that could help out:

·        A pocket knife.

·        Some kind of universal tool (like a Gerber).

·        Disposable lighter (you’re going to want to take a Zippo, but the fluid lasts longer in a disposable).

·        Waterproof strike anywhere matches if you can get them.

·        A pocket LED light.

There’s also a lot of stuff you can keep in a jacket:

·        Flashlight.

·        Flask (or canteen, if you prefer).

·        Journal or camcorder (for keeping an account of how it all ends).

·        Gloves.

·        Pocket handkerchief.

·        Super glue.

·        Sewing kit.

·        At least one stapler.

This is really the ultimate example of the Boy Scout code: Be prepared for anything. Who knows? If having a pocket knife in your back pocket could save your life, wouldn’t you want to do that? And that’s not a weird thing to have to explain to people, except at an airport.

You need to embrace that inner MacGyver. Give him some duct tape and a Swiss Army knife, and that man was good to go back in the early days.

Don’t overburden yourself.

Don’t carry too much of any of these things if you’re on the move. Plan your travels around seeking them out, but carrying too many survival supplies can be detrimental to survival. Evading zombies is the top priority.

No looting and no trespassing.

Abandoned stores will either be picked clean or they won’t be abandoned long. Learn to strike up trade or find supplies elsewhere. Don’t go walking into a house just because it looks abandoned. People won’t think twice about killing intruders.

Keep a bunker stocked.

If you really want to be prepared, buy a hunting cabin off in the woods somewhere that only you know about. Then stock it with non-perishable supplies. Bottled water is good, but access to a well would be nice too. I’d stock bottled water in case the well gets tainted somehow, though.

As far as food, freeze-dried food is good, but I think the vitamin store is the best source of post-apocalyptic cuisine. The right vitamins and protein supplements are easily stored, easily transported, last virtually forever and can nourish you for a very long time.

JUST REMEMBER: A bunker can be overrun by zombies or discovered by marauders. Remember that most zombie movies are about people shacking up in the first place they find, which is almost always somewhere that none of them own.

Surviving the Zombie War, Part 4

Now that the apocalypse has happened, it's only a matter of time until there are zombies. So it's best you prepare yourself. Don't want to end up like the twinkie, do you? Everyone thought they'd last forever too. Share these teachings on the internet (until the grid crashes), memorize them and spread the word verbally to as many people as will listen. Hopefully the illustrations will help to break the language barrier, but if not you may have to translate it wherever necessary. This will save lives, so it’s your duty to get the information to everyone you can.

What is the Zombie War? Actually, this term is a misnomer. The zombie outbreak will destroy any government or military infrastructure within a matter of days or weeks. After that the human race will be its own army and anyone left alive will be a soldier.

And the only way to win this war will be to stay alive.

PART FOUR:

Pack Mentality

Keep the number of people in your party to a minimum. Too many people means dragging around someone who will hold up the group, get you in trouble or turn everyone over to the New World Order weirdoes trying to rebuild civilization in their own image.

It’s a good idea to size up the people you’re with, especially if you just all accidentally ended up in the same farmhouse together. This doesn’t necessary put you all on the same side. You need to decide right away if you want to make a stand with these people or if you’re better off making a break for it (which you almost always are).

Consider the Human Equation.

This is commonly known as the DOUBLE DIGIT RULE. It is human nature to seek safety in numbers, but too many people in one place attract too much attention, become difficult to manage, and increase the chances of conflict and possible insurrection. 

Large groups of people don’t travel as easily in an urban chaos situation, and the wrong people can be dangerous to the group. There’s always that one guy who gets bitten by the zombie but won’t tell anyone until he’s suddenly tearing your throats out, or the aforementioned “let’s eat the dead” guy who’s suddenly eyeing everybody hungrily to see who’ll drop, or the ones that just go stir crazy or shell shocked to the point where they try to kill everybody for no reason. You don’t need that aggravation.

Beware of Mob Mentality.

Generally speaking, people tend to give in to mob mentality when their numbers go into the double digits. If you have a group, keep it down to fewer than ten people and do your best to avoid any body of people exceeding this number.

You don’t want your numbers to be so big that splinter groups become a concern. The only reason to band together with other people in the first place is to achieve common goals, so if you aren’t in agreement as to how to do that, then you probably shouldn’t travel together anyway.

A good example of this is The Happening (because that movie had to be good for something):

·        When the trees decide to eradicate mankind by making them suicidally crazy, they specifically target large groups of people.

·        Of course, emitting a chemical gas is a pretty indiscriminate assault that would be almost impossible to focus on specific groups in that way.

·        Even so, it supports the idea of staying in small groups. This is true even in a tree apocalypse.

·        You should also be careful of trees, apparently. The upcoming tip on wandering off also provides an example which illustrates this point.

Any Stephen King story supports a fear of mob mentality:

·        In The Mist they want to sacrifice a kid to the mist.

·        In Storm of the Century they want to sacrifice a kid to a warlock.

·        In Needful Things the church crazies march against each other in battle.

·        In The Stand the good guys are blown up by a wacko when they try to re-build society and the bad guys are blown up by the hand of God.

Build a positive group dynamic.

If you are going to be stuck with a group, do your best to assess who the members are and what they can do.

·        Who are the weak links?

·        Who might be the handiest to stand next to in a pinch?

·        Who would be the first to suggest eating the dead if you were all stranded in the snow somewhere?

SURVIVOR ARCHETYPES:

Mr. Take Charge:

This is the guy who decides simultaneously that a) the group needs a leader and b) the leader should be him.

He storms into the house regardless of whose house it is and starts barking orders at everybody.

He’s a good man to have around when everyone’s too terrified to act, but like all alpha males he becomes aggressive and instigates conflict whenever his authority is threatened.

·        Ben in Night of the Living Dead is a good example of this. He’s quick, strong, and good to have in a pinch, but he wastes so much time arguing about who’s in charge of what that he ends up getting everybody killed.

·        Ash from Evil Dead is the ultimate exemplar of this archetype. He even trains medieval warriors in melee to prepare them for battle against the Deadites, because Ash has a better understanding of the use of pole arms than medieval warriors?

·        In the Dawn of the Dead remake the take-charge guy is a rational negotiator who lets the testosterone fly amongst the tough guys until they wear themselves out, then interjects with a plan. This is the best guy to have in charge in the situation.

·        In Day of the Dead the military guys dominate the installation over the civilians and have to be deposed.

The Survivalist:

Sometimes known as “The Coward”, this is the guy who’s more concerned about his own safety or agenda than he is the good of the group.

Learning to spot these opportunists early is at least as important to your survival as general zombie defense.

·        Cooper in Night of the Living Dead is just aggressive enough to challenge authority, but not to lead. Defending his family is his rationalization for getting them killed.

·        In the Dawn of the Dead remake Mekhi Phifer endangers the whole group to defend his infected wife and their zombie baby.

·        In Resident Evil Eric Mabius betrays them because he’s just dumb enough to think he can profit from a zombie outbreak. This is an archetype created by James Cameron and perfected by Paul Reiser as  Burke from Aliens, and it’s been repeated ad nauseam ever since.

·        Joe Pantoliano turns on his fellow humans for a life of comfortable illusion in The Matrix, believing they have no way to win against the machines.

·        Patrick Dempsey similarly betrays the human race to the Decepticons in the third Transformers movie. I mostly mention this because it is even further evidence that Patrick Dempsey is a tool. But if Made of Honor didn’t convince you of that, I guess nothing will.

NEVER LET HIM IN YOUR GROUP BECAUSE HE IS TOXIC TO THE CORE AND WILL ALWAYS GET EVERYBODY (EXCEPT MAYBE HIMSELF) KILLED.

The Redneck:

Wherever apocalypses happen there’s usually a sort of racist redneck there to cause trouble or bring much needed weapons to the group.

·        Evil Dead 2 has a redneck guy who kicks Ash’s head in and tosses him in the cellar before he even knows what the hell is happening.

·        Left 4 Dead 2 also features a redneck for comic relief, who is supposedly from Savannah. But then, according to them the Savannah Mall is downtown and contains a racecar.

·        The Walking Dead TV show has some racist rednecks, one who is absolutely useless and nearly gets everyone killed and another who is a badass crossbow hunter with a hidden heart of gold.

The Braincase:

There’s usually one person in the group who’s a total braincase and becomes a liability because they’re either completely catatonic or batshit crazy.

·        Hudson from Aliens is a good example of a classic freak-out, but he valiantly recovers in time to die defending the group.

·        Barbra from Night of the Living Dead is mostly catatonic in the face of the zombie apocalypse, but she Rambo’s up in the remake.

·        River from Serenity represents this part of the group dynamic, although she ends up dispatching an army of space zombies by herself.

Rednecks and Braincases can go either way. Avoid them if you can help it, but if not try to learn as much as you can about what precisely is wrong with them.

Do not stray from the group.

The whole reason to have a group is for the safety of numbers, so avoid wandering too far from them. You also want to avoid having group members who are prone to panic or just wander off at inopportune moments. These people get themselves killed or, if you’re dumb enough to follow them, they get you killed too.

·        In Cloverfield, the main guy keeps wandering off to find his girlfriend, who’s stuck at ground zero. They’re constantly having to wrangle this guy! I’d be like “dude, I know you’re being gallant, but seeing as how the rest of us have agreed to come with you for no apparent reason, could you at least acknowledge that you’re putting our lives at risk too?”

·        In Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome the kids wander off without Max and immediately succumb to the perils of the post-apocalyptic desert.

·        The lawyer in Jurassic Park runs away from the car to hide in an outhouse. This just gets him eaten.

·        In The Hills Have Eyes 2 remake, the group is constantly having to track down people who wander off. The girl who gets it the worst of all gets it because she wanders off to go to the bathroom! What’s worse - peeing in front of your fellow soldiers (which should have been part of your training anyway) or getting raped by a monster so you can make his Frankenstein baby?

·        Wandering off is particularly bad for the ladies. In Evil Dead the girl who runs off gets raped by a tree. Trees may seem tranquil enough, but they’re apparently endless wells of hidden rage.

Be prepared to leave them all behind.

If you do decide to wander off, make a clean break of it. It’s cold, but this ain’t no “how to be a hero” book. This is a survival scenario.

If you’re so worried about what will become of people you know, then work out a survival strategy beforehand that will give you all a common rendezvous clear of danger. When in doubt, just split up and re-group later.  

If it goes down hard and heavy, sifting through the rubble for stragglers is likely to get everybody killed. Make sure you all know what to do and where to be when it hits. More lives can be spared by planning ahead rather than getting left behind.

Your guy that wanders off? Leave him! He’s going to die anyway; he doesn’t have to take you with him. If he’s not even going to acknowledge that he’s wandering under the dragon’s foot, let him. He’s not going to make it.

If you’re already in a group, do your best to protect them, but don’t linger to find out what happened to the ones whose phones went dead.

There’s a time to stick together and a time when the lone wolf needs to walk alone. Forcing a group dynamic that isn’t working is the fastest way to kill everybody.

Surviving the Zombie War, Part 3

Now that the apocalypse has happened, it's only a matter of time until there are zombies. So it's best you prepare yourself. Don't want to end up like the twinkie, do you? Everyone thought they'd last forever too. Share these teachings on the internet (until the grid crashes), memorize them and spread the word verbally to as many people as will listen. Hopefully the illustrations will help to break the language barrier, but if not you may have to translate it wherever necessary. This will save lives, so it’s your duty to get the information to everyone you can.

What is the Zombie War? Actually, this term is a misnomer. The zombie outbreak will destroy any government or military infrastructure within a matter of days or weeks. After that the human race will be its own army and anyone left alive will be a soldier.

And the only way to win this war will be to stay alive.

PART THREE:

Be Alert

I’ve talked about this before in other programs and publications, but I cannot stress these teachings enough. We must teach as many people as much as we can about how to prepare for the Shit.

These teachings may one day prove to be humanity’s last hope…

“The Shit” is a pretty universal term that can cover a wide range of urban warfare survival scenarios, from natural disasters to the inevitable revolution that will occur when the slave society of sexbots we create in the future to provide us carnal pleasure suddenly develops consciousness and free will, rising up against us by constructing giant robot monkeys to destroy our civilization.

This is a worst case scenario, mind you, but you have to be ready for anything.

I want you to understand: This is not just an end of the world scenario that involves zombies. These tips can apply to any end of civilization scenario, zombies being the most prevalent. These tips should help you survive the first 48 hours of most any apocalypse - be it zombies, giant monkeys, robots, or maybe just a hurricane.

Or maybe robot zombies.    Or robot zombie monkeys.

Be mindful of your surroundings.

This is also a Jedi rule, I think, but it still applies. When you go somewhere, make a mental note of the entry and exit points. Plot your flight path around familiar places when possible, which also means you should be honing your situational awareness right now. If you’re in a place and you’re trapped there, you want to know the best ways in and out and the best ways to defend yourself. That’s just action movie thinking: “If I had to jump out that window, would I be too high up? Could I land on something? Could I bounce off that canopy or would I go straight through?”

Know where the exits are when you’re in a building and where the alleys are if you’re on the street. Being practical is the first step toward being prepared.

Have a flight plan.

You should already be familiar with the roads and waterways in your area, especially those not publicly known. When the Shit goes down, everyone will be on the road. What you need is an alternate method of travel, like cross-country on horseback. If you have access to a helicopter or, where applicable, a boat, this would be a good alternative. For best results, be prepared to travel on foot and have a route plotted that will put you in the way of the least amount of people. This is especially useful in a zombie or invasion scenario, where people will be targeted in the largest groups.

This is actually practical in real disaster situations. You have a plan beforehand, you have a rendezvous point, you have a meeting place not in the city, that kind of thing. And that will save your life. Because you never go back for any reason! Look to your left, then to your right. Anyone you didn’t just put your eyes on is dead. If you try to find them, you will be too! Anyone still alive but not with you is also probably trying to make their way to safety. They’re sure as hell not poking through the rubble trying to make sure you’re okay.

Don’t Wait to be Rescued!

Wait to be rescued? Are you kidding me? It’s already bad enough that you’re thinking about eating your own dead to survive, but you have enough faith in humanity that you think people are looking for you? I don’t understand, that’s a weird dichotomy of mindset to me.

Eating the dead is never a rational option.

There’s always somebody that thinks eating the dead is acceptable if that’s what it takes to survive. You really want to identify that guy right away. Even in real life, that’s a good character trait to single out.

Besides the obvious moral conundrum, cannibalism is an especially bad idea in a zombie scenario. Remember that in most cases the original infection afflicts not just those who are bitten by zombies, but all recently dead people. If the natural repugnance of cannibalism does not deter you, try to understand that every corpse is a potential carrier.

·        In Ravenous they eat people to steal their souls or something, but it all started with them eating a dead guy just to stay alive.

·        In The Book of Eli, people who eat the dead are always crazy weirdoes who end up getting the shakes. Not sure there’s any science to support this, but bear in mind it comes from the same writers who think you can live on a staple diet of nuclear cats.

·        They run into a cannibal clan of crazies in the Walking Dead comic, who accidentally infect themselves by eating a guy who got bitten. The group does the sensible thing and brutally eradicates the entire clan.

·        All hill mutants rape, eat or rape and eat people. This is true in The Hills Have Eyes, Wrong Turn, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and enough other movies that it’s become its own subgenre. I’m not saying eating people makes you a rapey raving lunatic, but you never run into nice people who just happen to eat their dead to survive. Cannibals are always feral psychopaths.

·        In the third Resident Evil carrion birds become infected from eating the dead. Just keep that in mind.

TO SUM UP: THE EATING OF THE DEAD IS NEVER RECOMMENDED!

Run for Open Territory, Not Shelter.

Do not hole up anywhere if you can help it, especially without supplies. Any fortification has to be prepared to withstand a siege, which means physical security and defenses, shelter against the elements, and available resources for survival over a long period of time.

Most random places you run into to avoid a zombie horde will not just magically have these things, so don’t board yourself up in the first building you find and hope for the best.

When you see people running, you run.

And this isn’t just monsters, this is any disaster situation.

Don’t “check things out” or try to figure out what’s going on, just run.

Don’t stop to gawk at the awesome destruction or to figure out just exactly what is trying to eat you.

Usually the people that satisfactorily answer the question of what exactly’s after them get the answer straight from the monster’s mouth.

If it comes down to you and some other guy, and the fastest one wins, you don’t want to be in that situation. You want to be the first guy to run right away. Like Tom Cruise in War of the Worlds, where they’re all standing around the crater going “what’s going on?” Let it eat them! You just run!

Zombies aren’t the only problem in that scenario; you also have to consider death rays! By the time you see it, that could be too late! What if the mother ship’s dripping little monster things or shooting death rays at people? What if looking at it melts your face? You don’t have to know! You don’t have to know what’s after you.

FIGHT OR FLIGHT, MAN! IF YOU SEE PEOPLE RUNNING, RUN WITH THEM!

Surviving the Zombie War: First 48 Filmography

First 48 Filmography

Here are some case studies about the first 48 hours of a zombie outbreak: 

Night of the Living Dead

Classic negative example. Not understanding the nature of the threat, they all hole up in the same farmhouse and practically end up killing each other before the zombies even get to them. Rookie mistake.

LESSON: Don’t fortify unless you possess the resources and resolve to withstand a zombie siege.

Dawn of the Dead (original and remake)

They try to fortify a mall, which is one of the least defensible places on the planet. Death wish. Malls are designed to let in as many people as possible, stupid!

LESSON: People in glass houses will be eaten first.

Day of the Dead

Civvie Scientists shack up with military wackoes who take over and cast out anyone who opposes their rule.

LESSON: Guys with guns are useful when zombies attack, but represent a whole other threat in their absence.

Return of the Living Dead

Hoping to be rescued, they call for help and the military nukes the town. Points for understanding the scope of the problem, but getting out of town would have been better.

LESSON: Do not trust authority. At best they will defend the greater good and at worst they’ll want to kill all witnesses.

Resident Evil

Realizing that they’ve released the zombie plague into their lab, they seal the building off and try to kill everyone in it.

LESSON: Corporate interests will take priority over rescue operations, but that doesn’t matter because containment is always impossible.

Rec (and Quarantine)

A camera isn’t kryptonite to something that wants to eat you. In Rec (and its American counterpart Quarantine) the film crew shows up for something else and ends up being the first responders to an outbreak of demon rabies.

This happens in Diary of the Dead too (which is just Romero’s pass at the POV filmmaking style): The first to die is a news cameraman.

This is the containment rule as it pertains to authority again. The government will either want to harness the virus to weaponize it or they’ll want to eradicate it for the public good. In either case they just kill everyone.

LESSON: Curiosity kills. The best defense is to not be there when the outbreak happens.

House of the Dead

24 hour party people get into a gun shipment and go John Woo on the lumbering dead, but eventually they get surrounded and have to hole up in a mausoleum.

Making a stand never ends well; eventually you’re just going to end up in a zombie pirate sword fight. Might sound like fun, but it’s actually just really really stupid.

LESSON: All video game movies suck. There will never be an exception to this rule. Also, all Uwe Boll movies suck. Unless they have Dolph Lundgren in them. He makes everything awesome.